Do the things that scare you.

The date for my tattoo is set. The artist is interpreting my sketch into something that will work as a tattoo. I am a bit nervous. I will see the final sketch on the date of the appointment. I found someone local that was recommended to me by several friends.

It's been a strange week. I had the opportunity to meet up with an aquaintance I knew back when I was dating my first boyfriend. Of course, I was worried to meet up. Social awkardness, and also my age and body changes made me hesitant to see someone I haven't meet up with in a while. I decided that worrying wasn't going to do me any favors and why should I care anyway? He is someone I knew years ago and even if it was awkward and we had nothing to talk about then it would have at least been an experience and I could be proud of myself for being brave. Turned out - I had a blast. We met up a few times before he flew back home and then my brain started in with the anxiety of how much I cannot shut up and I am way too much. The fact is - I don't get experiences like that often. I got to talk to someone with interesting stories and travels and background. A very intelligent person, a person who makes me think and didn't make fun of me or point out my ping-pong way of having a conversation. Day one, mid conversation I noticed the light illuminating his ear in a brilliant cadmium. Then I was watching the light across his face and the angles of the group of people behind him and how the light was reflecting off this woman's hair at the next table. I felt similar things when working with the theatre. Maybe not the last production because I was pretty sure the director found me quite annoying so I tempered my personality a bit and tried not to insert myself too much into the process. Being a part of a team creating something together and passionate about communicating something? -- I really come alive in those moments. If it wasn't for my social anxiety and questioning and analyzing every interaction I have worried that I am just being embarrassing and stupid, I would seek out more experiences. ADD brain and oversharing - my god I am ridiculous sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I am just who I am and if people don't like it they can kiss my large white tuchus. Other times I care what even Joe Schmoe on the street thinks. Like most things in my life I seem to be locked in a constant battle of opposites. Creative, but logical. Coming alive around some people and wanting to perform and be noticed - but needing space and hating big crowds when I am not in the mood. Transcendent confidence and then crippling self-doubt. I cannot think of an aspect of my life that is not somehow a jump between two extremes. Hope and despair. The need for stability but the love of freedom from the mundane. Desire for a loyal partner and a stable home and never wanting to trust again and maintaining my independence. Impressive drive and then shortly after...impotence. I wonder how much of this is just who I am and how much is my mood disorder issues. If it is in my brain, then which part is the real me?

If I don't get paged in tomorrow I am going to go to a coffee and drawing meetup with some strangers. This is extremely frightening. I cannot explain how uncomfortable I am even deciding to try this, but at the same time, I am positively thirsty for connection beyond the shallow interactions with coworkers. I need an extrovert to adopt me. My two closest people, my Mom and my best friend, are both extremely introverted. In most interactions with them, I am the one who has to initiate and drag them along with me. It can be exhausting. I miss random adventures and being told "let's go do this today" and going along with the ride knowing I didn't have to be in charge.

This is why I have a therapist.