Searching - and some emotional venting just because.

After the loss of Scribbles and a talk with a friend from my younger days, the desire to try and figure out my life timeline became all consuming. What adventures did I have when? I have done so many things over the years and I wanted to get them all straight. So I have been desperately trying to find all of my photos - and a huge chunk are missing. I bought equipment to check old SD cards, found some things, a Vegas trip with coworkers, a few rolls of trying out a new camera, and some things I took with my Sony A6000 - what I am missing is all of my fav trip ever in NYC in 2019, and many of the Universal Studio trip with mom in 2023. I remember taking so many photos of my ex off of my phone and putting them somewhere until I was emotionally ready to look at them. So a lot of things from certain years ended up lumped into that. Old photos of Scribbles and the best videos of my ex being adorable and hilarious and all of the experiences I had with him....and I cannot find them. I hid them too well apparently and now that I think I can handle the emotion behind them - where are they?

Just because it's painful doesn't mean I don't want to see them again. At this point in my life it might actually be the only memories of the last time I thought a man could truly care about me. Not that I am not worthy of care now, it's just the trust is gone. But as with every heartbreak, be it the death of my best friend or the loss of a love, I do still want to look back at the beauty of those times too - and it's just GONE. The thought that maybe that whole visual story of my life is lost is horrifying. I keep thinking they must be somewhere. I remember making a folder called "James's stupid face" somewhere so I could come back when I was ready - but where is it???? Ugh, this has been a stressfull experience. I want to look back on times when I made him smile or he was experiencing something he found wonderful. I want to go back and experience the joy. It's like losing a whole chapter of a life.

Also I was trying to think the other day of the times I felt happiest in my life, and the highest two both involved someone else. Seeing my ex elated in NY and seeing my mom freak out over a gift I gave her are still top billing. But what about when I was happy because of my own happiness? When it was less about the people I love and more about my own love of life and myself - those are harder to pinpoint. I feel like often I define myself by what I can give to others, because if I am not useful, I will not be loved. Relationships, over and over, seemed to end when I stop giving and start needing. When my self esteem or energy bottomed out, when I needed my people to be strong and steady, they often just - moved on to something less complicated or more exciting.

I need people in my life that are classic coats worth mending and repairing and vice versa, rather than a cheap thing that lasts a season from Shein and then falls apart and gets donated or trashed into a landfill.

I don't even really have a friend group either. And I am a good friend for the most part, although a little flighty and sometimes need to be dragged to do things. I need to find more people who energize me and don't just take energy from me. Where is my extroverted friend who plans things and makes me come along? lol. I think about doing things all the time and then chicken out most of the time because I don't want to be seen in this hulking-mass state or because I don't know anyone. I so badly need an anchor in social situations or going out of my comfort zone. I havent' been to the renaissance festival in YEARS for fear of being seen. It's not like me, and I don't like this version of me I allowed myself to become over years of grief and massive blows to my self worth.

It's time to start taking myself back.

Sometimes I get hit with waves of confidence, of feeling that I have enough love for myself as well as anyone else and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me I have a right to exist as I fucking am right now - and I am a decent person. But man the doubt creeps in so fiercely.

Anyway, enough blabbering. I have a lot going through my mind and therapy is only once a month or so for an hour - not enough time to get in deep to anything. I never know where to start or what I am actually expecting her to be able to do. I am a logical persion, and most anything she might say or suggest is something I have already thought about I just haven't been able to access whatever I need to push me over the edge and make me realize my body and my issues don't define me, my heartbreaks shouldn't break me, and I am not less worthy because of all of it.

Also I have been sick af the last week. Cabin fever. I have been going out on walks and being outside so much that having a week stuck mostly indoors has been miserable. Also the coughing and the ear infection and all that too of course, but honestly, I am excited to finally feel less than exhausted and ready to go back to work. Maybe today I will get in a nice walk. Now I am a week behind on Disney walking prep! Also I need to find out the number for the neurologist and give them a call. They haven't called to make an appointment. Perhaps I will finally get some answers to the weakness in my legs that has plagued me for 15 freaking years. Being taken seriously as an older fat woman with a history of anxiety and depression - is no joke. But I finally annoyed my primary care doc into getting me an appointment with a spine doc - and she referred me straight to neurology and said I need an MRI to rule out some things. I have been asking for that for YEARS. Finally someone said more than "get your mental health right and lose some weight and your problems will right themselves" - sure, Jan. lol

As always, find something magical in the day. Today I smiled because something I ordered and forgot about got delivered.

Behold my new Halloween not halloween decor - I love it so much. I got one for the bestie too. It needs a name. It will come to me. Alright, I need to do some housework and make the most of my last day off. Toodles, internet.