Don't drink and draw.

Yesterday I set up an easel with a pad of paper and pulled some charcoal out.

Then I drank wine. Cheap Aldi moscato to be exact. And it went down sweet and easy and I - broke. The floodgates opened and I cried. and sketched on my little paper pad, so excited to be finally in front of natural media again, and I did three portrait sketches. This one, one of me, and another muse from Sktchy. Are they good? Not really, but did it help release some emotion? Yeah, they did.

I was listening to The Dear Hunter Act III, and when I got to "Life and Death" I repeated it several times while drawing this - and releasing so much. I don't even remember what I wrote on it. I just remember singing, and crying. The portrait sketch of myself is barely realized, unflattering, raw. But I look at that eye and I see exactly how I felt. Rough, raw, covered in charcoal dust, feeling lonely, missing Scribbles, realizing that I am actually living through this pain alone, as we all do. "We all have hearts we all have homes, but when we die, we die alone."

I do remember the lyrics I wrote on the second portrait. "When the cameras roll, hide away your soul (flash your eyes, forge a smile), Entertain." Another Deer Hunter song that is brutal to me. Dammit, Casey - making all these songs that gut me so damn hard. And to think I started it because I wanted to listen to the intro music and forgot - the other stuff.

Good. God.

I didn't go to the meetup. It was raining when I left the Apple store. I got a new watch. Hopefully my mom doesn't notice and I won't get another lecture about my spending. Grief has always been expensive for me. It will die down...hopefully after I get my tattoo next month. I still haven't seen my best friend. I asked Mom and her if they wanted to go walking today. Mom said no, she said "If you want to" which is bestie for "Not in the mood but I will go if you beg me" so I just went alone. I rocked out to some Eurovision tracks and had a great time, even through I had to go to the gym instead of outside due to the air quality. I do have to say I was much less moist than the last time I had an outdoor adventure.

Back to work tomorrow with a lot running through my head. Woot.