Goodbye Scribbles

Today is the worst day of my life thus far but it couldn't have been any more perfect. We got up, and you were having a really decent day, we took long walks, you got to have ice cream with chocolate in it. I noticed you didn't eat food for days but didn't mind slurping up some Nutella ice cream. Maybe it was the meds that the vet gave you that kept the pain at bay long enough for you to have the best last morning.

Last night, like every night, you insisted on coming up the stairs by yourself, your favorite frog toy in tow. Like every night for the last few months, I laid down with you and talked with you gently and rubbed you like how you loved, and I cried. You looked at me like you wished you could help - but also - you were so tired. So tired and with so much increasing pain. I took you to the vet Thursday, x-rays clear, and waited for the blood work. Scribbles, I had been mourning you for months now. I had been crying every day at work, sometimes at my desk, other times while hiding in the bathroom. The fear and the knowledge that some day this day would come just increased so much in the last few months. The wandering around staring into space, the weight loss, the nausea, the trouble walking, I saw it all - and I saw you watching me feel pain too, pain you seemed to want to soothe but didn't know how - this searing pain at the inevitable nature of the diagnosis of kidney disease and the choice I had to make. I begged you to tell me if you were tired and ready every day for a few weeks. Thursday when I brought you to the vet you were so exhausted you didn't even shake like you usually do. The meds gave you a few more good days, and it made it harder for me, but I think easier on you, and you - you are what I care about.

You were always my rock in my times of grief. Every time I was hurting, you were there. And now that I am hurting more than I have ever hurt before - I just want you to snuggle with. I feel so alone. I have had heartbreak before, but those losses were losses with reasons. There is no reason for this loss except a lack of time and the fact life is just by nature temporary. You were perfect, the only time you ever hurt me was when I was afraid of losing you. And now that I have, the pain eclipses so much of the combined pain I have had over the years. You did nothing wrong. I cannot focus on bad things to rationalize away grief because you did nothing to hurt me on purpose. You were, and always will be, my soul's greatest companion. My heart dog. I was so lucky to have known you and loved you.

I knew it had to be sooner rather than later. I didn't want to see your suffering and I couldn't go about my life not knowing if you were going to be gone when I got up or came home. It's been constant pain and anxiety for me trying to hope when my gut was saying - the time is coming. I didn't want to have to twist your body into a bag or a box with frozen veggies keeping your body cold while I waited till the vet opened.

I didn't want you to die alone.

So she came to the house. You were already tired from the walk and were half asleep in your favorite bed by the window. I got to love on you while she gave you some kind of glorious cocktail she called the Cloud 9 cocktail. I got a few seconds of embarrassing video of your gentle sinusy snores. We put your paw in clay, and I sat with you for a few, just stroking you. Mom showed up just when it was time to administer the final medicine, originally I wanted to be with you alone, but having her there for the last part somehow helped I think. You didn't know what the heck was going on. Cloud 9 cocktail is a fitting name. When she gave you the final syringe, you didn't flinch; no agonal breaths, no twitching, no sign of discomfort. I didn't even notice you were gone until she said your heart had stopped and you were at rest. No struggling. No pain. Just peaceful rest. She gave us a few moments alone then brought in a basket with a pillow and a blanket. When we put your in the basket you were still warm. I tucked the bear plush that came with you when you were adopted under the blanket by your side. It's going to go with you, and will come back with you in your ashes. Mom and I kissed you on your head, and I smelled your scent and your ears for the last time.

Scribbles, I don't want to live in a world without you, but I know somewhere in this massive hole I am feeling right now, you are still here. You planted a seed of love so deep in me that once I have truly watered it with tears the garden will be a beautiful place you can play in when your memories choose to visit. You don't need me to follow you, you needed me to take the pain of grief and give you the gift of rest.

If you ever felt even a fraction of the love I feel for you - you will know that as hard as this was, that I did it for you. I hope you know that.

Be at peace, my Scribbles, my boo face, my Scribblet, my Scribbideez, my nugget butt, my old man.

With my forever most lasting love, Goodbye.

Your mom, your friend, your companion for life,

Bambi