Love with no place to land

Everything is quiet. Everything was quiet before, but now it's overwhelmingly so. Something about having another living thing in your space for 15 years and then losing that presence - I donno - the silence is a deafening hole. I am doing ok. Everything comes in waves and my tiktok algorithm just wants me to cry all day apparently. I bought a puzzle table and Scrib's spot has become my area for decompression. People keep telling me I am doing well, that I am doing better than expected perhaps, and that somehow brings guilt. Did I not love him enough? Does being able to exist mean that my love for him was somehow less than I thought it was?

But I suppose that goes through so many people's minds. Guilt, trauma, what if's - very universally human experiences. Nights are the worst.

I am a person who loves. I love taking care of things and people and now I don't have anything that is mine and me theirs. So I have to find an outlet. Mom, of course. Now that she is retired I get to see her much more often, which is great. But also maybe I might have to start caring for myself.

I have a consultation for my memorial tattoo. I have talked to a few artists. One guy just wanted me to get a full damn calf of Scribbles. Dude, it's my first tattoo. I want something hidden and tasteful and meaningful. I have settled on the concept of Scrib's ears turning into a butterfly. I knew I was going to get something when he passed, but I wasn't sure what.

I am in a pickle because I want to get the tattoo asap. I want it to heal as I heal. But I am also saving for Disney and a birthday trip to CT and I am paying off Scrib's final days. Luckily the insurance did help a bit for that. I have been trying to sell things on Poshmark but everyone is broke no joke lately and not buying frivolities. I am sure I will have a better idea on how much I need to save for the session when I talk to the artist and see what she says. She is based in Cleveland and Kristin has already agreed to a short road trip.

I picked my next palette for my color cubes. I haven't been able to work on it at work because I have to train through July. Not happy about that and that's a long story, but suffice it to say I don't get down time to sketch at work. WORST TIMING EVER.

Time to get to work.